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Thursday, March 15, 2007 10:30 PM
I would change...
I'm thinking of that quote by Confucius.
"I would change things for you if I could, As I can't; you must take them as they are."
Why is life like this really? You know what I mean by "this" don't you? I'm talking about that incessant gnawing feeling that you're constantly doing something wrong. That feeling you have that things could be better if --just you would have changed that something that big little something or that huge mistake. It doesn't have to be only in your past, its the present and the future as well. Why couldn't things be a little different and why is it all a mess ---and even weirder ; why does it seem to clear up all at once?
For me, its all too much. Everything. Life is too much for me, plain exhaustion. I pretend that I don't notice a lot of it, but I do. I've been told I notice too much. I don't know if everyone is the same way, but unless I'm deeply preoccupied with something else--I'm constantly thinking about life and what it is really and why I am this way and whatnot. Like 24hours a day 7days a week. A reeling question in my mind.
Why do we feel we will all live long? Isn't it possible to die just now while I'm typing this? It is!Without cause I could instantly be in the world where no traveller has ever returned from. Death is looming over all of us and inevitably we will reach it. We --all of us will be dead one day. Imagine that. Why does that whole world feel like a fairy-tale. Like almost impossible to reach or fathom. I believe in God , don't get me wrong, and the last day etc.Wait--I hope you all reading this think I'm this really super extremist religious morbid cult person, because I'm far from that--I don't know if I'm religious even. I believe all Islam has taught us, I pray on and off. Which says a lot :( I'm a failure in this region of life I won't lie. But I wonder deeply why I'm not better? Why is it easy to talk about something and not actually do it? I don't commit too many sins , well other than surface ones like lying and stuff and not worrying about other people's feelings (being selfish), being lazy, being weird (is that a sin?) Anyway you get it right, I felt like I wanted to share that with you all, lol.
I'm not at all unhappy with my life, in the sense of what I was given, its really rather comfortable and nice. I don't know if I want too much or I'm asking for too little if that makes sense. I want my degree in Law, I want to make my family happy, above all my dreams I want to be a pious muslim. I know for a fact with that I can succeed in all things. But again, a lot easier said than done.
I never remember a time in all of my years, that I've applied myself fully to anything. I have always slacked or wing'd whatever was put before me. I hate to admit it, but I've always been comfortable with --just getting by. It hasn't ever failed me too miserably. I enjoy mediocrity. Wait -- I don't enjoy it, I just got used to it. Its just there, and its the routine I've known always. I could go into some mumbo-jumbo about me being a procrastinator and that it was just my "lot" in life; but that would have to be defined as "bullshit" my friends.
I honestly believe I'm afraid of seeing what the fruits of my toil and labor would bare. I don't think it would disappoint me, naturally if I try harder at life, things should only get better; I don't understand why I lack the ambition. I've decided it must be that I know that anything I attempt in this world around me --even if it turns out wonderfully--why bother if it can be snatched away just as quickly? You know that saying "nothing gold can stay" --that is all life has shown us all. All its taught us.
Nothing precious will remain--whether you reach it with your hard work and sweat or whether you just "happen" up on it with luck( by winging your way there;) --in the end it too will pass regardless of the way it was gained. So why put energy in something that will leave you? Why work hard for something that is only momentary? Sure, when you strive hard in life for what you want --you get in this routine where you are constantly in the "gain" while others like me, might only stumble upon this happiness by luck a few times in life only--nevertheless...either way --in the grand finale --nothing absolutely nothing will remain.
So you do the math, toil and 'grunt under this weary life' for small trifles and tokens, or sit back and wait for things to come your way while leading a draining yet predictable life? Which is good for you?
I like to imagine the small story of the firefly and worm--lol--yes grasshopper do listen ;)Actually just bare with me it makes good sense here I just hope I retell it just as well as I heard it once a long ways back:
As we all know fireflies along with others small flying insects are deathly attracted to the "shine" from the glowing lights on our front porches; they are so attracted to this "beauty" they fly towards it --blinded by its force--only to proceed to their demise.
So the worm one day finally said something:
" Firefly ,why do you and your kind do this awful suicide again and again stupidly flying towards that light for its beauty when you will just get killed? Why after seeing the results, do you all keep at it? Why not just stay here on the ground like us worms and simply ignore this ridiculous temptation and feel secure in our humble surroundings"?
The firefly looked at the worm just as shocked and perplexed as he was and replied:
" Yes worm, you are comfortable there on the ground, we know this. But, we fireflies think its better to die knowing this beauty, even if in the end we know we will ultimately get burned" .
Alas, I still don't know about life. Nor do I think I ever will know. But I'll leave you with that story to come to your own conclusions.
-End-