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Saturday, March 31, 2007 12:22 AM
Rap is GAY
Hi Guys.
Yeah Today I was talking to a friend and this weird issue about my "music taste"-in comparison to hers came up. To start you off I want you to know that me and her have been close friends since I was 9 years old. Anyways, we always seemed to pretty much like the same music style, and what not. Ok, she tells me " Man, you're a sell out. You all of a sudden don't like rap and all that stuff we used to love"---First of all, it wasn't 'all of a sudden' let me inform you her statement is not only DEEPLY false its pretty innacurate on the surface too because If she would've taken the time to assess this statement instead of just blurting out words to support her point she'd clearly remember that I've never liked rap , period. Maybe a stray song or two, but not the genre never,ever! Anyway I was thinking--WTH?
How can I still like the same bubbly mainstream gay ass crap I used to like when I was 13 15, 16ish? I mean come on. You've got to move on. Its like, are you really going to like that candy you used to scrounge up your quarters for back in ELEM. that was soo goddamn sweeeet, just thinking about it now makes your teeth hurt!
Answer: F! NO!
You've got to move on with age, its just natural. Your palate has to become more refined. This should be accurate in more than one aspect: in life, music, food, reading material --ALL should change with time.
Plus, rap songs all are about like 5 damn topics every single time its one of these:
1. B******
2. Damn I'm Fly.
3. parties/clubbing
4.S**
5.Finally theres the "stray rap" which can be about really, any damn thing that pops into said rappers mind. However, usually consists of "jesus lord save me I'm a piece of shit for righting the above rap songs"
-But of course, back to # 1 on their next album :)
**DING , Round 2
I mean-- what else is there? Go ahead, You tell me.
That stuff thats blazing on your the Top 10 list on BET/ MTV or your local radio station is so--effing played out man--I told her , basically. I also said, just because its on 24/7 doesn't mean its really a hot song! WTF, and why is she and everyone else so into music that hard anyway? Sure I like music sometimes, but its just something to do with your idle time, or a way to express yourself (LIGHTLY) or , shyt--just for good ol' shits and giggles and nostalgic moments . Its not so deep. ESPECIALLY not when you're listening to lyrics like "The hat, rock with it, rock with it"????
Anyway, she tried to "bring me back" ---(like I was ever there)---to go for that cheap thrill she got from mainstream c-RAP, by blaring the car radio of our local rap r&b mainstreams station . She kept prodding , and I ended it with:
"Whatever, Whatever--I do what I want!"
That usually gets em' off .
I don't know man, maybe its just me.
-END-
Thursday, March 29, 2007 11:17 AM
If you could see what I feel ;) The sun The sun
The sun!
I'm afraid to graduate guys; I'm serious--its not even funny anymore. I can't believe I only have 1 year left.
Freaky.
P.S I hate change
But thats life you know, its sort of a mixed blessing, life is. I really want to get started on my big adventure. It seems I've been in a cloud for about 8 years. A cushy cloud with only grades to worry about and a p/t job.
Wait, Damn! It was 7 years ago that I was a freshman in highschool? What? I'm an old mother-f. (Haha, just playing)
yeah b'not really :(
Okay so I'm 20 friggin years old now, getting out when I'm 21. Yes, things are going as planned. But that doesn't make it any more less frightening. How do I explain this to you?
I'll be straight forward. The following is going to be my disgustingly-hectic world for 2007-08.
Impending Doom is scheduled as follows:
- July--> Visit Law school of choice ( already chosen--there is no Plan B)
- Aug-Sept--> Meet with Advisor to schedule a plausible date for the LSAT
- October-->Register with LSDAS (Law School Data Assembly Service)
- October (2)--> Sign up for fellowships for France and or Peacecorps ( Peacecorps is last choice though, for study abroad after graduation)
- November-->Start studying for LSAT (I mean HARDCORE studying)
- November (2) Tell the advisors to pony up on the Recommendations to Fellowship & L.S
- December--> Register to graduate (Send in Applications for Commencement date)
- January 15 2008--> Send in Application to Fellowships meet with advisor at "Law School of Choice"
Honest to God, thats whats going to happen. WTH
By May 2008-->>
- Should already know which fellowship I will take. Most likely UNESCO fellowship
- Register to take LSAT come December 2008
- Get ready set--go!
So I know the plan.
But I've been in this comfortable cloud for sometime now as I said earlier--I'm really kind of afraid of stepping into this "ball of terror".
I will probably be taking a fellowship in a foreign country most likely France, so I can be 100% proficient in the French language.I know I need to be fluent. This will put my foot in the door for the grand finale; which is of course becoming a Legal Consultant(Lawyer) for an International Organization (ahem..UN).
Yes, I said it--from my mouth to God (Inshallah). I don't worry about me delivering, I worry about the road I choose to get there.
Did I tell you I've narrowed it down to either Environmental Law or International Law? I think both are suitable for my interests and goals. In the meantime I need to keep my grades steadily remaining good. Oh man, I need a 3.75 atleast when I graduate , now I have a 3.61. But I still have quite a few classes left--THEY BETTER ALL BE A's DAMMIT-- Or else I'm gonna have to kick someones ass.
My own?
Yeaaah--so thats me right now. It felt nice sharing it with a blog--almost like filing it--so its not just tiny pieces of paper floating around in my head. I know now what to do undeniably--don't ge me wrong though, I knew all along. It just looks nice in ink--er pixels.
Good Luck with all of your stuff people.
Wish me good luck
--seriously do it right now wish me good luck out loud or in your head.
If you don't do this, I take back my good luck wish to you--I hope you fail.
Ahh--just kidding though. (uhm not really..)
-End-
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 1:59 PM
Nostalgia
Manic! Good mood right now.
Off work today; had lunch, coffee is on, its about 3ish pm, layed out at home, no worries (currently), no cares, homework/research done, no exam in the immediate future, house is so clean and lovely around me, tranquil atmosphere surrounds me, silence even-- except for the birds that are singing, including my bird :) P.S I love you.
Yes, it takes very little to please me. Very little can make my day an A+. A little sun, a little peace, a little breeze, a little coffee, a little candy ;), and -- quel jour?
Verily, I am a but a simple soul.
Today I will disclose to you all such wonderful things. Such nice things as the song thats on right now. Yes, go on, turn up the volume a little +3 will do fine. I will also share with you ,this thing that I want to buy soon. Mais, I will start with the song.
Its playing now; unless you're foolish and skipped the tracks! Foolish heart.
Anyway, its Carla Vallet's "Streets of Tomorrow"-- that song, the way it sounds , the way its heard, reminds me of when I lived in Frankfurt & Berlin, Germany and how I used to tramp through the cool streets in my clever volkswagen on early Saturday mornings. Here's how it looked. Nostalgia.
But in my head; I'm in an alley-way(don't ask, thats how it looks), but basically this is the image that arises.
I must inform you all , that I've never lived in Berlin and Frankfurt.
But when I hear or see something 'moving' I feel like I could have been there easily. I swear, I can even remember things that I've never actually lived.
I tell you, if it wasn't for my fervent belief in Islam, the Hindus could easily sway me with their 'reincarnation' gip. I always had a inclination towards such thoughts. I know, shame.
I can almost remember walking around said places, and living these said ,lives.
Is this all as bizzare as I think it is?
Not only Berlin and not only this song, but a number of paintings, poems, etc you name it--brings non-existent nostalgia to my heart. My God--what am I made of?
But yes, I know; what can I possibly say--I like beautiful things and beautiful places , why not enjoy beautiful memories (er... Ideas)
Bare with me, I can be pretty illusive at times. Don't mind it all. I rarely live in the present--its usually future or past.
Anyway, I think thats all I'll type for today. I'll tell you later of the thing that I really want to buy later.
-End-
Monday, March 26, 2007 10:19 AM
Anti-Study
I hate exams. I hate them. Actually the actual exam isn't as bad as the incessant studying ahead.
I think now that I know my study habits, I've noticed that I lack a study habit!
I can't study ahead of time. What I do , is I cram.
Hmm--Wait is that a studying method?
That's all I've ever done since elementary school. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!
I don't know how to study ahead of time. Me don't know at all (Insert sad face here)
Really though, I just don't know how one goes about doing that. I suppose it can be a habit acquired after much, much, much practice --but I know many are just born with this knack that I've been denied. I know this, because why does it have to be so difficult for meee?
Well this time I'm trying , because I have to. I have a job in the healthcare field and I'm studying to become a technician. By the way I've worked in this field now for about 2 years, just never cared to become a med-tech till now.
I'm already a technician in training--but with the label of "C.T" or Certified Tech, I will be making $15.00/hr :)
Sa-weeet.
So I figure, what the hell take the plunge , study ahead. I've already signed up for the exam---just today , and I'm basically just waiting to schedule a date to take it. I have to wait 48 hours, but the dates are going to be between April 23-May 26th 2007.
Yes , you got it! Right around the corner.
Anyway, So I said to myself-- 'Self, this is no easy exam as you now know from all the medical material that the books have enlightened you with, so you must break this habit of cramming and study, practice, read --Ahead of time !'
Right now I'm seated in front of the computer ---(uh duh?)--- I know, but on the other screens below there is the CD for the practice exam.
Man, did I ever tell you I hate studying ?
Nevermind though! I must persevere. I must make an excellent grade on this exam --come hell or high water I WILL STUDY. Even if I have to sit in front of this damned computer and ---
wait why am I typing in my blog? Shouldn't I be studying? <---Dramatic effect ?
Ok fine Bye.
-End-
Thursday, March 22, 2007 9:59 PM
Hey guess what?
I took so many personality quizzes today so I thought I'd share the results with you of atleast one.
P.S- I do this a lot, but I've been particularly self-reflective these past 2 weeks--no exact reason why comes to mind though.
Okay I won't lie about the results but I have to say, most of the info is pretty negative dammit! Why, I'm not this bad!
What I will admit , is that unfortunately , most of this is accurate. I don't know why I'm actually going to post it on here...but I figure why not? I see no point not too, really. (notice how it says that I like to sabotage myself below in the description when you get there )
SAVE ME FROM MYSELF SOMEONE!
Ok- The results are from a Global 5 in depth 102 question exam. Yes, I had the time, don't ask anything further.
I took it twice(lol) and it came up with this same EXACT description.
To whoever made this, my man, did it all have to be so GD! negative?
My god-- Anyway here:
avoidant, withdrawn, not usually happy?, does not believe in human goodness, loner, moody, avoids crowds, overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings frequently, agnostic/atheistic tendencies,unsure where life is going, impatient, avoids eye contact, does not think things work out for the best, discontent, negative, suspicious of others, uncooperative, hard to get to know, not punctual, pessimistic,does not finish work on time, does not like to lead, very attracted to things associated with sadness, ambivalent about the problems of others, feels defective, fears failure, often bored, ambivalent about the suffering of others,tends to sabotage own self, unproductive, avoids unnecessary interaction, easily frustrated, does not finish many things, lower energy level, focuses on fantasies instead of reality, ambivalent about the needs of others, easily annoyed, rarely prepared, disorganized, quiet around strangers, slow to forgive, hard to understand, not that interested in others, skeptical, wounded at the core, self absorbed
~SHUT-UP-- LIKE YOU'RE NORMAL?~
Makes a person want to commit themselves though after that...
But, I know what you're thinking : "DAMN, YOU'VE GOT ISSUES!"
Well I swear , I just re-read it all too--its soo effing exact I think I'm gonna piss myself.
Okay that was crude, but seriously I hate that its so effing right....
Whats wrong with me? Is everything wrong with me?
Shut up! You go take it and see how "perfect" you are!
But hey, I'm not mental--everyone looks bad when you show only their minuses & short-comings,
Maan--where is the love??
Okay maybe I'll take one that shows the positives next time....
If there is one
Look WHATEVER (lol)
-END-
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 7:03 PM
Except the heaven had come...
Today I have nothing amazing to share with you all, other than the fact that I found an absolutely exquisite poem that I would love for you all to read.
It's funny how I keep reiterating throughout my blog, that I dislike poetry;quite the contrary~ it seems.
I think I have been in severe denial--either that or in a strange kind of confusion. It is hard for me not to show love and appreciation for the arts; in all its forms! Funny how I managed to ignore this one for such a long time.
What I think the problem was; was that I have always completely abhorred new age poetry, plus, poetry seemed so cliche for a long time...everyone was doing it...and it seems all their new-age garbage was what was being shoved down my throat for like EVER!
I truly have a distaste for that trash.
For some reason I deeply appreciate only certain types of poetry from certain eras. And everything else sucks.
Don't get me wrong , I like a lot of the 20th century American poets and even a select few from the 21st, its just I hate people who push that lame a-- idea that just "anyone" can be a great poet (see poetry.com)
I think only a few are blessed, and therefore the rest of us should keep our GD! pens in our pockets.
Don't kid yourselves--Its just as painful as listening to amateur singers @ Karaoke night, you know, the really awful ones that think they're doing a brilliant job.
You fags.
Sorry--
But seriously-- please, leave it to the pros~Trust me, its OH-KAY~some people just have a knack for it! You have your own special gifts, its JUST NOT THIS.
(^-^) Alright?
ANYWAY
Here it is:
You know, I really love poems that break my heart.I don't know why really--is that weird?
LIFE
EXCEPT the heaven had come so near,
So seemed to choose my door,
The distance would not haunt me so;
I had not hoped before.
But just to hear the grace depart
I never thought to see,
Afflicts me with a double loss;
’T is lost, and lost to me.
-Emily Dickinson
-END-
Monday, March 19, 2007 2:38 PM
Cuz this is Thriller
Dios Mio!If I could explain to you in words how much I adored this guy! Mon Dieu...his music his everything...what a human being!?
F! you if you think differently.
( AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR)
NEED I SAY MORE?
2:38 PM
The small break
Spring Break
~ Yummy~
I am excited because it's spring break. This is really something I was waiting for.
Okay not really, it crept up pretty fast. Though , let it be known, I do not protest at all against its presence. Yummy I say, because who doesn't like to lay back and relax? A lot of this break I'll be doing just that. How Cute?!
Naturally, midterms are just around the way --so I must get started on that too! Oh well. Not gonna be hard. This is gonna be good though I believe overall atleast. God Willing.
My post today is light, because my heart is light.
& Thank goodness for this blessing.
What a Commitment Disorder--Inside Joke
(: Only me and myself knows what that means :).
Alright Ciao,
-End-
Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:11 PM
O' Rose
Again poems aren't really my thing and never have been, but I like the occasional excellent one! :)Appréciez!
The Sick Rose
O Rose thou art sick.
The invisible worm.
That flies in the night
In the howling storm:
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.
-William Blake
Thursday, March 15, 2007 10:30 PM
I would change...
I'm thinking of that quote by Confucius.
"I would change things for you if I could, As I can't; you must take them as they are."
Why is life like this really? You know what I mean by "this" don't you? I'm talking about that incessant gnawing feeling that you're constantly doing something wrong. That feeling you have that things could be better if --just you would have changed that something that big little something or that huge mistake. It doesn't have to be only in your past, its the present and the future as well. Why couldn't things be a little different and why is it all a mess ---and even weirder ; why does it seem to clear up all at once?
For me, its all too much. Everything. Life is too much for me, plain exhaustion. I pretend that I don't notice a lot of it, but I do. I've been told I notice too much. I don't know if everyone is the same way, but unless I'm deeply preoccupied with something else--I'm constantly thinking about life and what it is really and why I am this way and whatnot. Like 24hours a day 7days a week. A reeling question in my mind.
Why do we feel we will all live long? Isn't it possible to die just now while I'm typing this? It is!Without cause I could instantly be in the world where no traveller has ever returned from. Death is looming over all of us and inevitably we will reach it. We --all of us will be dead one day. Imagine that. Why does that whole world feel like a fairy-tale. Like almost impossible to reach or fathom. I believe in God , don't get me wrong, and the last day etc.Wait--I hope you all reading this think I'm this really super extremist religious morbid cult person, because I'm far from that--I don't know if I'm religious even. I believe all Islam has taught us, I pray on and off. Which says a lot :( I'm a failure in this region of life I won't lie. But I wonder deeply why I'm not better? Why is it easy to talk about something and not actually do it? I don't commit too many sins , well other than surface ones like lying and stuff and not worrying about other people's feelings (being selfish), being lazy, being weird (is that a sin?) Anyway you get it right, I felt like I wanted to share that with you all, lol.
I'm not at all unhappy with my life, in the sense of what I was given, its really rather comfortable and nice. I don't know if I want too much or I'm asking for too little if that makes sense. I want my degree in Law, I want to make my family happy, above all my dreams I want to be a pious muslim. I know for a fact with that I can succeed in all things. But again, a lot easier said than done.
I never remember a time in all of my years, that I've applied myself fully to anything. I have always slacked or wing'd whatever was put before me. I hate to admit it, but I've always been comfortable with --just getting by. It hasn't ever failed me too miserably. I enjoy mediocrity. Wait -- I don't enjoy it, I just got used to it. Its just there, and its the routine I've known always. I could go into some mumbo-jumbo about me being a procrastinator and that it was just my "lot" in life; but that would have to be defined as "bullshit" my friends.
I honestly believe I'm afraid of seeing what the fruits of my toil and labor would bare. I don't think it would disappoint me, naturally if I try harder at life, things should only get better; I don't understand why I lack the ambition. I've decided it must be that I know that anything I attempt in this world around me --even if it turns out wonderfully--why bother if it can be snatched away just as quickly? You know that saying "nothing gold can stay" --that is all life has shown us all. All its taught us.
Nothing precious will remain--whether you reach it with your hard work and sweat or whether you just "happen" up on it with luck( by winging your way there;) --in the end it too will pass regardless of the way it was gained. So why put energy in something that will leave you? Why work hard for something that is only momentary? Sure, when you strive hard in life for what you want --you get in this routine where you are constantly in the "gain" while others like me, might only stumble upon this happiness by luck a few times in life only--nevertheless...either way --in the grand finale --nothing absolutely nothing will remain.
So you do the math, toil and 'grunt under this weary life' for small trifles and tokens, or sit back and wait for things to come your way while leading a draining yet predictable life? Which is good for you?
I like to imagine the small story of the firefly and worm--lol--yes grasshopper do listen ;)Actually just bare with me it makes good sense here I just hope I retell it just as well as I heard it once a long ways back:
As we all know fireflies along with others small flying insects are deathly attracted to the "shine" from the glowing lights on our front porches; they are so attracted to this "beauty" they fly towards it --blinded by its force--only to proceed to their demise.
So the worm one day finally said something:
" Firefly ,why do you and your kind do this awful suicide again and again stupidly flying towards that light for its beauty when you will just get killed? Why after seeing the results, do you all keep at it? Why not just stay here on the ground like us worms and simply ignore this ridiculous temptation and feel secure in our humble surroundings"?
The firefly looked at the worm just as shocked and perplexed as he was and replied:
" Yes worm, you are comfortable there on the ground, we know this. But, we fireflies think its better to die knowing this beauty, even if in the end we know we will ultimately get burned" .
Alas, I still don't know about life. Nor do I think I ever will know. But I'll leave you with that story to come to your own conclusions.
-End-
Monday, March 05, 2007 10:27 AM
I'm with Stupid---->
Oh my god. Oh my god.
I honestly was going to write about something completely different today, but my goodness gracious; I have another topic here now.
Okay, there is this guy in the computer lab here @ school sitting--about 4 seats down talking in a semi-audible not quite-whisper ...but not an airy whisper. You can hear his voice resonating okay.
Now listen; has anyone ever asked you or ever told you that some people's voices just get on their nerves? Like say for example a certain high-pitched squeal or that kid that has that eerie-airy retard breathy voice? You know?
Well I have the beast of all "annoying" voices sitting just--what did I say 4 seats down. Fdfdafdsasfasdhjk! If you could hear this guy.If only you could hear this MAN! I swear as Allah as my witness; I am maybe the closest I've ever been to kicking the sh-- out of a stranger.Man, I hate him-- I despise him with every fiber of my being. Can you believe it? Waaah--Disgusting!!!!!!!!!
Let me explain this voice to you; warr ilaayn , I can't think of anything else anyway.
Its first of all a really-really ghetto country kind of "talk". I mean COUUUNTRYYY.
He's telling this girl he scooted up next too (Allaahay hala jirro, isagaa wayn o' wa7ad)--about a party he went to I think, and --God I really don't know what the fu--he's talking about its just , its just that mother---- "voice". You see how it makes me loose track of what I'm typing. He's speaking right now. A3oodibillah!!
I never lied man, when I say I want to vomit--or pass out-- If I am lying to you and I don't feel extremely nauseous right now I vow to be struck dead on this spot--and Allah knows best.
I assure you I wouldn't have dedicated a whole blog to him--bah anyway!
Alright the voice, its like this; basically I hear it because its really deep and stupid sounding --I don't want to be rude but his voice is like the devil.
Okay read this part below with as deep as you can let your voice drop and draw out the letters slowly, because he speaks really sloooowly. Oh and emphasize the letter 'e' very well, let that letter carry the longest:
Transliteration of the guy sitting 4 seats down:
an' guuuurl he seeeeyd--but naawwwww sheee seeeyd dis tooo, an i was
lyyyyke maaaaan sombodddy towlll' me laaaaaast week o' wuddeva the laaaaaaayst drowp offfff an hee-uh lyyyke shoooooooooooot, an imma think uh transfurrin mah
creyditsss see, Guurl is-aat the laaaast classs u takin fo- da eeend uh-a
semester-shooooot --Uh HUH HUUH HUUUUUUUH HUUH(<--laugh ) gurrrrl u cray-zy furreel
??La 7oola walaa Qowata Ila Billah??
What in the name of all that is holy, brought this fool into college? Or does he even go here?
Who cares --all that aside , mais who taught him how to speak English? Who ever did--you were wrong for that.
I have never, in all my days, heard a voice so agonizing, so repulsive that I actually dread the next words coming out of his mouth! WTH?
I mean GD! It wasn't like I wanted to write about this fool today--it's that he wouldn't let me write anything ELSE but him today--his voice deleted any other coherent thoughts I had in mind, and even now I don't remember what it was that was so interesting that I wanted to share today. Merde.
Whatever--the girl left now so he's quiet.
Ok--bye
-END-
Thursday, March 01, 2007 12:47 PM
Just look at all the lovely places I could be .....
Would you look @ all the possible places there is to be right now. Well--atleast I will be back to some of those places again, and will look forward to seeing the other places one day.
Inchallah Khair (^-^)
Bare with me; I'm feeling restless today.
-END-